Although I focus on being positive, I find myself nervous to be pregnant again

I must admit, during my first two pregnancies, I confidently walked around as if I was indestructible. I knew I was carrying precious cargo inside of me, but I was accustomed to wonderful pregnancies, without even the slightest bit of morning sickness. I had a healthy appetite, I worked out consistently and, overall, I felt amazing! When I was pregnant for the third time, I didn’t think any different of this pregnancy, as the previous two resulted in the live births of healthy newborns. At around 7.5 weeks of my third pregnancy, I experienced, what I have now learned is very common among women; a miscarriage. To type the word gives me chills and reminds me of the lack of control I had over what my body experienced. What did I do wrong? I carried a sense of guilt that was very hard to describe. I started to let myself go. I looked good on the outside, but I was a complete mess on the inside. I stopped working out, I wasn’t as picky over the food I ate, my hormones were terribly imbalanced and my body became toxic. For the first time in my life, my menstrual cycles were not within the 28-day cycle they once were.

I’m more careful than I’ve ever been this time around.

Now here I am. Pregnant for the fourth time in my life with high hopes of producing a third healthy baby. I’m more careful than I’ve ever been this time around. My doctor confirmed my pregnancy and immediately scheduled an early ultrasound to check on the growing fetus. At 8 weeks, I went to get an ultrasound, which was to serve as reassurance of a healthy pregnancy, only to be told that this pregnancy could be in jeopardy! Here we go again! It was discovered that I had a subchorionic hemorrhage in not one, but two areas of my placenta where it should have been fully attached to the wall of my uterus. My doctor told me that if the placenta fully separates, I would lose the pregnancy, regardless of the excellent health and size of the fetus. Talk about devastated and afraid!!!

I had to make a mental decision. Do I stress myself further by harping on the previous miscarriage and the pain it caused my husband and I? No. I decided to have the mindset as a survivor of a devastating situation, while focusing on my belief that God has a plan for my family and I. I followed the doctor’s orders, which were to take it easy, stay off my feet as much as possible, no sex and no working out until we can confirm the placenta reattached itself. Although I have been able to focus on positivity, there are times where I find myself nervous to go to the bathroom with the fear I’ll see blood, anxious to hear the baby’s heartbeat after experiencing unusual abdominal discomfort, or just having the thought of not getting too attached to the pregnancy, just in case I lose it again. Pregnancy after having a miscarriage frightens me! I’ve come to realize that I’m human and what I’m feeling is natural after experiencing loss. Although I mourn, I am determined that my loss will not define my future or my current pregnancy. What a relief I felt after I made it through the first trimester; a feeling I took for granted twice before when I carried Christopher and Milani. I feel like a cloud has been lifted. My husband noticed how much happier I appeared after I decided to no longer be a prisoner of my past miscarriage. Regardless of the outcome, I am happy and blessed to be where I am today. I’m grateful to share my experience with so many women who’ve felt alone or hopeless. My advice is to never give up, take care of you, cry if you need to and trust God (or whomever you believe to be your higher power). Most importantly, enjoy your pregnancy!

About the author

Monique Samuels

Monique Samuels

When I was a little girl, my aunt introduced me to her holistic approach for healthy living. Whenever I was sick, she always had a natural remedy. When I became a mom, I remembered my aunt’s recipes, and sought out to find additional solutions. I soon discovered essential oils and began creating my own natural remedies for everything from the common cold, nasal congestion and earaches, to helping my children get a good night’s sleep. I started sharing these discoveries with friends, and before long I was receiving calls, emails and texts every day from friends who were searching for help, which led me to creating this site.

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14 Comments

  • Wow this brought chills and tears to my eyes as I realized I wasn’t the only one feeling this way. I suffered a miscarriage as well just shy from reaching my third trimester and after 2 years I am afraid of what will happen after finding out I’m pregnant for the 4th time as well. I can only put it Gods hands and have complete faith that he will decide what the outcome will be. Thank you for those words of encouragement and I pray that God continue to bless you and your family.

  • I shuttered when I read the part about being afraid to use the restroom…😖. I’m not even a woman and I felt that!

    Please take care of yourself!

  • It is great to know that you and baby Samuels are doing well. It is amazing that you were able to conceive so fast afterwards. Congratulations! I too have the fear of another pregnancy. I lost a honeymoon baby at 8 weeks and I beat myself up time and time again. I had convinced myself that I was the cause of the miscarriage. We are almost two years later and I still have not conceived. I am a little discouraged, but still hold on to the hope and fear of conceiving– will it happen again? I am getting up in age, so my biological clock is ticking. I wish you blessings and much success. Take it easy and enjoy your journey.

  • Hello Monique
    First of all I want to say that we are from the same hometown, Pleasantville. I graduated from PHS in 1992 and my sister Chrissy Bishop and you graduted together.
    I enjoyed reading this article because I went through multiple miscarriages, 7. I went into a depression, but in private. When I would see other woman pregnant, I was jealous and wondered why did this happen to me. All of my miscarriages happened in the first trimester, and when the doctor knew the cause of them it was because of an infection. The first 4 miscarriages where from 2 different relationships. In 2001 I met a wonderful man at the Hilton casino, while I was there auditioning for the job of a casino games dealer and he was a security guard and we are still together. The blessing was he had no children. My prayer was answered. I went through another round of miscarriages with him. I had 3 miscarriages before we were able to finally have a child (full term). In 2007 I was pregnant and the doctor spotted the problem at the first examination. It was the infection I had prior. I was prescribed some medication and in January of 2008 we had our daughter, Nefera. In April of the following year we welcomed our 2nd daughter, Alexi.
    Not all of them were miscarriages, I had 3 abortions. One was because of the relationship I was in prior was not a healthy one. The other 2 was medical reasons. One the first ultrasound there was no heartbeat and the other pregnancy the baby had some abnormalities.
    I always thought that if I did have any children was it something wrong with me? But because of my strong belief in God, he wanted me to meet the right man, who would love and adore me an our kids.

  • As a mom who faced 10 years of infertility, with multiple losses between my first and second, this article touched me right in my momma bear heart. Every cramp, bathroom trip, brought such a range of emotions. Unlike you, I didn’t adequately share what I was going through until years in, which made it so much worse. Thank you SO much for sharing your story Monique and opening up those lines of communication for us to openly talk about this stuff and learn from each other. I wish nothing but the best for you and your sweet little family!

  • I felt every word and I have felt every emotion. I had two miscarriages one at 4mnths and recently at 3mnths.every week that went by was a milestone and a little bit of joy and fear all in one and it happened 6/19/18.but I continue to believe that God will bless me and continue to have faith and hope that it will happen.

  • Oh Jesus !!!! Reading this has got me in tears of my misccairge that I had experience don’t talk about it as much I was 9 weeks pregnant my first and lost it I beat myself for it thinking it’s my fault not trusting the Lord believing that he’s in control let myself go went into a dark place for a while … a year later and it’s still scares me about being pregnant and whatbif I lose it again but I know that’s just the enemy !!! Definitely will keep you lifted in prayer I believe everything is in Gods timining

  • I’m glad I came to your site. I wanted to respond because you and I have very similar experiences. I had a miscarriage and very shortly thereafter was blessed to conceive again. Unfortunately I too found out I had a subchorionic hematoma and and the doctors did not expect my baby to survive past 20 weeks gestation. By my 31st week of pregnancy I had had a total of 28 ultra sounds and was seeing my doctor at least once a week if not more. On top of the subchorionic hematoma, I also had 3 fribroid tumors. At 31 weeks the tear that should have healed sometime in the 1st Trimester was actually getting larger! Every ultrasound there was more pools of blood visible than before. I hemorrhaged all the way through 32 weeks of pregnancy. The baby did not have enough amniotic fluids to move around in because I had so much blood in the sac… And they were very concerned about placenta abruptcia. At the visit to the doctor on my 31st week the ultrasound was completely black there was no fetal movement there was no heart beat and after 2 different types of ultra sounds they determined I had in fact had an abruptcia and decided to medivac me to the closest hospital which was 30 minutes away. This was my 1st visit that my husband and 2 other children did not come along for! I was devastated. I refused to allow them to take me to the hospital until my husband was able to arrive at the doctor’s office. When he got there he along with my two Prayer Warrior children laid hands on me and prayed for a complete restoration of my body and for our baby who we had already named Olivia.
    Fast forward one and a 1/2 hours…I am lying down looking at an ultrasound getting myself worked up because it appears as if the technician left someone else’s ultrasound video on the monitor I was staring up looking at a baby doing flipflaps turning around kicking sucking their thumb no tear no abruptcia… no hemorrhaging no fibroids it look like one of those ulter sounds that you see in the movies perfect! Honestly after 28 ultrasound’s I didn’t need anyone to tell me what it said I was able to read and understand everything that I was seeing. The doctors were baffled they ended up calling the head of the department and reviewing all 28 of my ultra sounds because that perfect ultrasound that I thought was someone else’s video was my baby Olivia!!!! Can God do it? I’m here to testify that yes he can and yes he did!

    Because the new ultra sound looked nothing like anything they had ever seen inside my body before they performed multiple ultrasound on me they could not find the tear they could not find the scar that is usually left after a sub chronic hematoma… They could not find any evidence whatsoever that I had been in an extremely high risk touch-and-go pregnancy! I’m here to tell you Monique God can heal you he healed me I’m praying for you and your your pregnancy. When we delivered her by C-section the doctors were not able to find any fribroids in my body they thoroughly looked for scar tissue trying to find evidence of all I had been through but when my family laid hands on me and prayed for a complete restoration of my body and a restoration of life for our daughter God answer those prayers. Prior to arriving at the hospital Olivia had been pronounced dead no brain activity nor fetal movement no heart beat for over 2 hours and by the time we had finished praying Olivia and I had both been restored!

    My y daughter Olivia is now 8 years old and we call her our miracle baby. She is perfectly healthy and was born that way no brain damage no learning disabilities just perfect! Keep up a positive mental attitude put your heart and mind on the Lord He restored my body and he can restore yours too!

  • Monique: just went through the same thing myself. I had lost twins at 22 weeks in April 2017 and just gave birth to a healthy baby boy in April 2018. It’s scary and exhilarating at the same time. The fact that we were willing to go through pregnancy again after loss is a testament to how strong we are. I first heard about your experience on RHOP and it hit hard for me as well. Thank you for writing about this and shedding light on something that is often swept under the rug. Wish you the best of luck and health in your pregnancy!

  • I had 2 subchorionic hematomas with my baby girl. It was absolutely terrifying, and I was so worried I was going to lose her. However I rested and prayed and they resolved at week 15. Now I have a healthy beautiful girl who is 8 months old. I still think about that scary time and am so grateful for the way things turned out. I pray that your pregnancy and baby are healthy!

  • I had a subchorionic hematoma too and lost the baby at 8 weeks, I was devastated. I got pregnant a year later, I am 7 weeks now, hoping and praying my baby will be fine😊. Thank you Monique for sharing your story and helping other women who have gone through the same thing.

  • This article really touched me. I had a miscarriage during my first pregnancy when I was 18. I was devastated. I am now pregnant for the second time at 26 and I am a nervous wreck. I took a pregnancy test every week until my first obgyn appt. to make sure I was still pregnant. Everything was fine but I am still nervous because I do not have many pregnancy symptoms. It is great to your page and here your experience and experiences from other women who share the same fears and know that there is a support system out there.

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