Although I focus on being positive, I find myself nervous to be pregnant again
I must admit, during my first two pregnancies, I confidently walked around as if I was indestructible. I knew I was carrying precious cargo inside of me, but I was accustomed to wonderful pregnancies, without even the slightest bit of morning sickness. I had a healthy appetite, I worked out consistently and, overall, I felt amazing! When I was pregnant for the third time, I didn’t think any different of this pregnancy, as the previous two resulted in the live births of healthy newborns. At around 7.5 weeks of my third pregnancy, I experienced, what I have now learned is very common among women; a miscarriage. To type the word gives me chills and reminds me of the lack of control I had over what my body experienced. What did I do wrong? I carried a sense of guilt that was very hard to describe. I started to let myself go. I looked good on the outside, but I was a complete mess on the inside. I stopped working out, I wasn’t as picky over the food I ate, my hormones were terribly imbalanced and my body became toxic. For the first time in my life, my menstrual cycles were not within the 28-day cycle they once were.
I’m more careful than I’ve ever been this time around.
Now here I am. Pregnant for the fourth time in my life with high hopes of producing a third healthy baby. I’m more careful than I’ve ever been this time around. My doctor confirmed my pregnancy and immediately scheduled an early ultrasound to check on the growing fetus. At 8 weeks, I went to get an ultrasound, which was to serve as reassurance of a healthy pregnancy, only to be told that this pregnancy could be in jeopardy! Here we go again! It was discovered that I had a subchorionic hemorrhage in not one, but two areas of my placenta where it should have been fully attached to the wall of my uterus. My doctor told me that if the placenta fully separates, I would lose the pregnancy, regardless of the excellent health and size of the fetus. Talk about devastated and afraid!!!
I had to make a mental decision. Do I stress myself further by harping on the previous miscarriage and the pain it caused my husband and I? No. I decided to have the mindset as a survivor of a devastating situation, while focusing on my belief that God has a plan for my family and I. I followed the doctor’s orders, which were to take it easy, stay off my feet as much as possible, no sex and no working out until we can confirm the placenta reattached itself. Although I have been able to focus on positivity, there are times where I find myself nervous to go to the bathroom with the fear I’ll see blood, anxious to hear the baby’s heartbeat after experiencing unusual abdominal discomfort, or just having the thought of not getting too attached to the pregnancy, just in case I lose it again. Pregnancy after having a miscarriage frightens me! I’ve come to realize that I’m human and what I’m feeling is natural after experiencing loss. Although I mourn, I am determined that my loss will not define my future or my current pregnancy. What a relief I felt after I made it through the first trimester; a feeling I took for granted twice before when I carried Christopher and Milani. I feel like a cloud has been lifted. My husband noticed how much happier I appeared after I decided to no longer be a prisoner of my past miscarriage. Regardless of the outcome, I am happy and blessed to be where I am today. I’m grateful to share my experience with so many women who’ve felt alone or hopeless. My advice is to never give up, take care of you, cry if you need to and trust God (or whomever you believe to be your higher power). Most importantly, enjoy your pregnancy!